The Royal Handmaiden Society

Editorial

Originally posted to JediCouncil.net's "The Phantom Menace" Discussion Forum as "Sabé could turn A***a S**g into Orange Goo on an Off Day with her Weak Hand's Pinky" by Lieutenant Piett, sometime in 2000.

Grave injustice doth lurk about the SW Universe.

Indeed Life on Earth has advanced admirably in the past twenty+ years and now not only are hairstyles more tasteful but also Leia is no longer the only female of substance in SWdom. Into the garbage chute, flyboy!

The Official Site put up its Female Characters tribute page. Yippeee!! -- never before have I fully, ah, appreciated Greeata and Sy Snootles before. Who's next; Luke's tauntaun?! [/sarcasm]

But the wuipipi dropped today when lo and behold, per TF.N's news page, we are to be blessed with a vinyl figurine (ooh! ahh!) of A***a S**g, perhaps the most insignificant lens-smear of a quasi-character in all of TPM.

Yeah I know she/it's supposed to be in Ep.II real big and blah blah blah, but let's just work with what we really have before us, shall we? Just go with me on this.

Let's start off with the facts as evidenced by the most recent Source of SW Canon: TPM.

A Comparative Study: Sabé the Battle-Ready Royal Handmaiden vs. A***a S**g, the Bald Freaky Canyon-Looker

Sabé:

• Stood up to the Head Honcho of the whole Galactic Trade Federation, freezing his funny-talking a** with a stern "I will NOT co-operate!"
I will NOT cooperate

• When the heat was on, lived in the crosshairs as Amidala laid low in disguise.
Theed Plaza

• Didn't make the Royal Decisions herself, but paved the way for them to made.

• Gave R2-D2 the props n respect he deserved...
Thank You R2D2

• ...and bossed the real Queen around as a result ("Padmé...clean him up best you can.")

• Endured an inhumane amount of sheer boredom while stuck inside a broken-down ship on Tatooine for three days with a grumpy Jedi, a pessimist Captain, and an idiot Pilot while the real Queen got to wander around town, taking in Podraces, evading Sith Lords, and enamoring whiny little Midichlorian-moppets in the process.

• Became the first Naboo to speak directly to the Gungans -- moreover, their Leader! -- in Force knows how long.
We Wish to Form an Alliance

• Efficiently converted tons of Trade Fed Battle Droids to scrap metal while wearing extremely silly and hardly subtle hair.
Sabé, the Sure Shot

• Kept said hair as well as makeup and nail polish in place and intact while saving her planet. (Now that's the very definition of cool & controlled!)

• Proved herself an ace markswoman with even her weak hand [poster's note: Keira Knightley is right-handed. See "Coming Home".]

• Was the key catalyst for throwing the Trade Fed out of Theed. ("Viceroy! Your occupation here has ended!" AND, as if that didn't make Nute Gunray feel 2 picas tall, she emphasizes her point by frying two battle-droids -- with a single shot each -- right in front of him.)

And the real show of characteristic fortitude:

• Faded unexceptionally back into low-key, discreet, dutiful service whilst the rest of the planet made a lot of noise, overdressed for the occasion, made snide comments to the Trade Fed, and tossed the Peace Ball around.
Discreetly Faded into the Background

Now that's a real Star-Warrior for you. No Force-ingenue, no royal priveleges, no, just Doing Her Job.

Sabé is the Wedge Antilles of Episode I.

Now....let's take a look at the, ah, other one's accomplishments in TPM:

A***a S**g:

• Looked from left to right (or whatever) as the pods went by.

{{Wiping brow}} Whew! Well, I'm just quaking in my Imperial boots, there. Astounding! Definitely meritous of all this attention and tribute. Yes; order me a hundred of them cheap vinyl dolls!

Meanwhile, we'll sit by as Hasbro markets Amidala Battle Dress and Travel Gown (i.e., black feather headdress) dolls with nary a mention of Sabé, and churns out an action figure of every single audience member at the Boonta Eve Podrace (not to mention another 20 editions of the main characters) before casting a drop of plastic toward the Handmaidens, and the SW Insider plasters A**** S***'s face on its cover.

But we'll not forget one of the real characters of substance in TPM, one who really deserves admiration and respect: